


J'ty My Beloved

by Caitiemay34



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Drama & Romance, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitiemay34/pseuds/Caitiemay34
Summary: "What is an evil empire compared to the look in someone’s eyes as you remove their heart? With one last nod she left the room and her love behind."Three years after Rey's tumultuous decision, Ben and Rey are thrown together again on Nova Rex. It seems that the Force has plans for our duo, even after all this time. But when things begin to take a turn for the sinister, our broken lovers must come together again to fight a new evil and a side of the Force they thought was mere legend.Angst to start, adventure to follow.





	1. Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on canon from other parts of the series (thank god for wookiepedia), with creative liberties. Enjoy!

Her eyes were flat as she said the words she had recited to herself for courage. Icey fear coursed through their bond.

“But I love you.”

 _I changed for you. I became Ben for you._ Naive hope took the panicked rhythm of his heart as he pushed these thoughts to her.

“Sometimes that isn’t enough.”

She waited for the rage to start. It always did. A parting gift from Kylo that would always remain. She stared at the top of his bowed head as the seconds passed. One breath. Two breaths. The lump in her throat grew ever larger in his silence. Her own heart had taken a beating over the past few months as she struggled with the decision. After Ben turned to the light and the last battle with the First Order, they thought that it would be okay. What were domestic problems compared to taking down an evil empire?

But what is an evil empire compared to the look in someone’s eyes as you remove their heart?

 _I guess I am the villain now_ , she thought while he stared over her shoulder.

“I guess that’s all that needs to be said then.” His valiant attempt to match her frozen serenity was belied by the wet sheen at his lashes. She wasn’t breaking Kylo’s heart, she was breaking Ben’s. For that she would never be able to forgive herself. The bond between them became silent and she knew it was done.

With one last nod she left the room and her love behind.


	2. 3 Long Years

These seats were distinctly uncomfortable. After nearly two years here, he was deeply aware of this, even as his mind gave another throb. He didn't think it was a migraine, even one caused by politics and bad furniture. Ben shifted, earning glances from those around him. He settled in and began searching his mind for the cause. He studiously ignored the vault in his mind, knowing what he would find there. It had been silent for three years and would remain that way. He shook his head, but the buzzing in the back of his mind continued.

“Are you okay, Beloved?” Nardelee’s face turned to his, placid as usual.

“Just a headache,” he responded with a nod at the Princess. Her eyes glowed with peace and she turned back to the rest of her council. His Betrothed was never one for extreme emotion. No one from Nova Rex was. He looked around the council room at each tranquil face. The species was humanoid, though they towered over most others. His frame, at a striking 6’6 was on the lower end of average for the Rexians. Though each of the faces surrounding him bore the same neutral expression, various colors poured through their eyes as their moods shifted. He had learned to read them through the shifting, swirling palates. Nardelee turned to him again, the glow from her eyes stronger with her satisfaction at the answer they had received.

He turned to observed the rest of the table. Eyes around him bore various shades, revealing their owner's excitement or frustration over the proposition from Kadis One, a system over. His position as Adviser to the Princess had generated similar looks, even if more of the latter.

“That will suffice.” He responded though he hadn’t heard most of the meeting. The fifteen Rexians rose as one and filed out of the room. He shook his head again. The buzzing had persisted for the last two days. He had ignored it, unable to pinpoint the cause. It definitely wasn't the furniture.

Nardelee placed a hand on his and closed her eyes.

“You’ve changed,” she declared as she felt his mind. Rexians were not force-sensitive, but could sense the emotions of others with the slightest contact. The species of empaths had crossed the galaxy over the past thousand years. While they themselves remained placid, each believed that their higher calling was to serve others who could not be so even.

“Just distracted,  _J’ty_.” The endearment rolled out and her eyes shifted from a neutral purple to the deep lavender that he now knew as her compassion for him.

“I’ll still worry,” she continued, even as her hand lifted from his. “Perhaps you should see the doctor. It’s not physical. Perhaps something related to your Force?” 

The acknowledgement seemed to make the buzzing more precise, centering on the door to the vault.

“You are probably right,” he said, trying to keep his face as neutral as hers, save for a smile of reassurance he didn’t feel. “But let us have lunch first.”

Nardelee imitated him, rows of shiny, pointed teeth poking through her lips.  

“Yerda has  _Bokja_  on the menu!” Her willowy silhouette led them out of the room, but Ben’s apprehension remained with him for the rest of the afternoon.

 

                                                             _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

“Half a galaxy away and we find out it’s just strings.” Rey sighed deeply as she climbed back into her seat next to Chewie. They had been on a scouting mission after hearing reports of Force-sensitive individuals on Kadis One. Despite her fears, she was never the last one. The last Jedi, yes; but because she had accepted the Gray and began to train and guide those who needed it, she would never be the last of anything. Three years of searching and she had found a handful of users, needing to know who they were. They were as desperate to belong as she had once been.  As she still was. 

She tapped the Falcon’s gauge and her exasperation spiked.

“We’re going to need to stop for gas soon, she said as Chewie rumbled in agreement. They agreed on the next system over, where the wookie had some old contacts.

 “Chewie, what’s Bokja?” the word sprang into her mind unbidden. He excitedly described a dish that sounded like lumpy soup. Apparently a delicacy on the next planet. While the Wookie typed in the coordinates, Rey shook off the wave of apprehension that suddenly gripped her.

“Nova Rex, here we come.”


	3. Of Soups and Saviors

 

 The Falcon's door lowered and Rey was hit with a dry warmth that reminded her of Jakku. But as she walked further into the sunlight, she realized Nova Rex was anything but the desert junkyard of her youth. The lush, cultivated green of towering trees beckoned beyond the exit of the hanger. While Chewie negotiated the rented landing space and fuel, she drifted closer to door. Nova Doh, the planet's primary metropolis gleamed among the dappled forest. The shine of glass and steel rose to dizzying heights across the valley. Green was freckled throughout and the architecture seemed to compliment the beauty and origins of the nature around it. Even the largest structure, a castle by Rey's estimation, complimented the mountain on which it rose. They bled together, painting the horizon with a balance of nature and new. 

The wookie's fierce shadow chilled the space where Rey leaned, observing the new planet with an excitement that would never cease. Her co-pilot had been everywhere it seemed, for he began walking toward the city without hesitation. A fond smile crossed her lips at him. She moved to get up, stumbling a bit as her mind gave an especially dramatic jolt. She clutched her head, willing it away with the force. When she looked up, Chewie's eyes had narrowed as they had for the past two days whenever these spells hit. He let out a grumble. She pasted a smile and marched past him, teasing him as they walked. 

"There will be no doctors, Chewie. You know I'm fine. It's only a headache. Nothing your favorite lumpy soup can't cure!" 

They wove through congested streets and down a few alleys until they found Chewie's recommendation. She had learned to never judge on the appearance of the places they ended up at; partly because the worst places had the absolute best food; and mostly because Chewie would sulk for an hour if she did. 

They ate quietly, observing the rest of the restaurant and bar. They never needed to talk to fill the silence, something Rey immensely appreciated. Whenever she went to visit Finn, Rose and their family, the unending noise, while nice, wore her down within days. With Chewie she could just, be. Her thoughts began to drift as they usually did, to that man and that night. It had been three years but she could never quite keep herself from trying. Checking in, she called it; making sure he hadn't succumbed to the dark. She reached out in the Force to find the bond between them sealed. But it felt more tangible at this moment than in ages. She caressed the door to the vault, feeling the faintest of echoes of his mind just behind it. 

A crash startled her to the real world. Chewie's recommendations often came with violence like the scene now beginning. But they usually didn't involve a hostage. A Kadasian held a blaster against the temple of a woman that Rey had failed to notice before. Being that she was easily 7 feet tall, Rey found this hard to believe. She remained unperturbed, though her emerald eyes were fractionally closer to her hairline in what Rey assumed was surprise. The room was frozen as the Kadasian began to yell in a hissing dialect, matched by others in the room as they argued against any rash action. Glancing at Chewie, she saw his hand edging closer to the blaster he had placed next to them in the booth. But the Kadasian noticed too. 

The blaze of blue light was paused in the air before Rey realized was she had done. She held the blaster's ray as the Kadasian hissed in awe and horror. He began to run, giving up on the his hostage and Rey paused his movements where he stood. She had barely registered these actions, when the bar came to its senses. Three Rexians who appeared to be security tackled the man who was now screaming words Rey knew must be vile. They dragged him behind a curtain and Rey did not pity what she assumed was coming his way. The woman was now surrounded by concerned citizens, all wearing a variation of the same placid expression as the woman. But Rey was slightly unnerved to see their eyes literally glowing with various shades. She released the blaster shot into the wall behind them and sat. The next part was always the hardest. 

The shot brought the attention back to her and people scrambled over to her, hissing at her with small bows. She smiled and nodded back, accepting the gratitude she could feel from the people, even through the alien dialect. It was always the same after one of these events. Rey used the Force; people were shocked and awed; and the little bit of normalcy she rarely felt ebbed away. No matter who it was, their looks of wonder were always tinged with a fear that left her feeling more isolated than she could remember. 

_You're not alone._ The memory stayed fresh, even as seven years passed. She blinked away the thought and nodded to another awe-struck person left in the wake of her Force. 

As the queue of grateful citizens waned, one of the Rexians who had surrounded the woman who was hostage joined Rey and Chewie with a deeper bow than the others. 

" _Nodu_ , we must give you our utmost gratitude for your help." The man spoke in standard, the barest of hisses tinging his words. Rey blinked in surprise. His eyes were a golden hue that sparked with intensity. And no trace of fear. 

"It was no problem, really. Is she alright?" His gaze slid back to the woman, observing her quietly for a moment. The bar had gone quiet after the upset settled, all hints of concern gone from the patrons. For someone so accustom to showing her emotions, it gave Rey a slightly unnerved feeling. 

"The Senator will be fine, yes. Thank you,  _Nodu_." This wasn't exactly a place for a senator, but Rey wasn't going to judge. 

"Please, call me Ray. And this is Chewie." She motioned to the wookie who was bent over his Bokja again. He trilled an acknowledgement around the noodles in his mouth. 

" _Nodu_ Rey, it is an honor to be among someone so powerful, and someone who could help so much." 

Rey colored at his declaration, waving off the sentiment as she tried to push down her discomfort at the admiration. 

"Please, just Rey. What does _Nodu_ mean, anyway?"

"It is a title reserved for those most honored on this planet. You have done us a great service and must be honored with the title." Seeing no way out of it, she thanked him before asking his name. Unjo was an advisor to the Nova Rexian Princess and government. The Senator was trying to find out information on her own, outside of political circles, when the Kadasian zealot took her for his own agenda. Unjo's weathered face hardened and his eyes became a deeper tawny as he described what could have happened if Rey had not been there. 

Rey finally stopped him when Unjo insisted that they come to the palace to be honored. Anxiety prickled up her spine, but his pleading look was hard to ignore. Chewie snarked about a nice bed to sleep in and that was all Unjo needed. Rey's glare was not enough to break the shit-eating grin on her co-pilot's furry mug. 

Unjo tugged them along with a strength and purpose to his lanky frame. Rey only reached his ribs and the ornate robes around him made his lanky frame appear larger as she struggled to keep pace. They piled into a transport with the elderly man and he flew them towards the palace, nestled high in the mountains above. 

 

In the moments at the bar and with Unjo's praise, Rey had failed to notice the calm in her mind. But now, as they rose higher toward the dazzling palace, her anxiety returned along with the buzzing that gnawed deep in her mind.

 

                                                                             _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

She and Chewie were each given their own chambers, lavishly outfitted for the most regal of guests. The luscious rooms made Rey feel deeply inadequate in her deep blue robes. She was dressed up by her standards, but she would never feel comfortable in a place as effortlessly elegant as this. She curled into a seat by the window, lifting her feet onto the large chair with glee. If she wasn't royal, she didn't have to act like it, especially with no one around. She wiggled into the softness of the chair and sighed contentedly. Maybe Chewie was right about the night bed to sleep in. She eyed the large, canopied piece with excitement and rose. Maybe it was as good as this chair. A booming knock interrupted her planned assault on the mattress. 

" _Nodu_  Rey, you must come with me," Unjo interrupted with an urgency as he entered. "Her Majesty's  _Nasso_  needs your help." His eyes took on a sandy look. Jakku in the morning, she thought to herself. She rose from her seat and wondered what the princess of the entire planet wanted from her. 

" _Nasso_ , what is that?" his urgency put her on edge. Was someone going to be hurt again? Her hand drifted to her saber automatically, though she hadn't used it for battle in years. The man translated easily while Rey tried to keep up with his long strides. Everyone was so Kriffing tall here. 

When they reached a set of double doors, they opened to a large throne room. Nearly out of breath, Rey asked again as they paused at a set of smaller doors across the ornate chamber. 

"What does the Princess' beloved need from me?" The doors opened and two figures turned toward her. 

 

Three years of pain collapsed around her chest as she met his eyes. 


	4. Healing

The woman's ornate hair framed her face in a golden wave, bringing Rey's attention to her indigo eyes. She didn't smile, but her eyes took on an inner glow as the elderly gentleman introduced the Jedi.

" _Nodu_  Rey! The Jedi. I am most pleased to see you." She thanked Unjo, and he turned to occupy a corner. His tawny eyes were now a deep olive and he stared with devotion at the royal woman. Rey returned to the Princess’ unsettling gaze. Her face suggested nothing, but somehow Rey knew it was happiness that poured into the room from her alone. 

Rey bowed lightly and returned a smile with what she hoped was more reassurance than she felt. "I hear you need help." Her eyes never left the princess, even as her mind turned toward the other occupant. Facing him at last, the buzzing in her head had stopped and she felt the Force between them once more. The vault door remained intact between them.

" _J'ty_ , I do not need this." Despite his schooled features, Rey was still an expert of the man to her left. His voice radiated an urgency and anxiety that she felt herself. How was an entire galaxy not enough room for them both? 

The woman rose and crossed to Rey, holding out her hands. Rey mirrored the motion and suddenly felt the princess' emotions across her skin. Worry; love; happiness; they rolled across her and she pulled her hands back, the connection breaking. The woman's light laugh was surprising from such a placid women. 

"I forgot how unexpected that is for humans." She threw a glance back at the suddenly quiet man behind her. "But you do not need to be anxious. I only need a Force healer to examine my beloved." 

"Oh I am not a healer," Rey interjected quickly. She ignored her traitorous heart on the Princess' last word. The anxiety that the woman had mentioned grew, gnawing at her nerves with each passing second.

"I must still insist that you look at him. He has been unwell of late and it is not physical. You are the only other one with the Force on this planet. My beloved Ren needs you.” Her eyes had grown darker and her voice had taken on a strength that left Rey no other options. 

Apparently her  _Beloved_  felt the same, for his protests were easily waved off. 

The princess slid silkily into her chair again, crossing impossibly long legs under the crème silk gracing her body. Rey had not moved, her body stilled by the karmic horror of the situation. The Princess caught her gaze, nodding for Rey to begin. The spell broke and she finally turned to the man still in front of her. It seemed he shared her frozen disbelief but recovered much faster.  _Ren_  took a step forward extending his hand as the princess had done. 

"Nodu Rey, it is an honor. I am the  _Nondar_  to Princess Nardelee."

So he was going to play it like that, huh? Her brows rose before seeing the tension behind his eyes. While this was not Kylo, it appeared that Ben had gone back into hiding in his new life. His palm was still bared, waiting for her to accept him. He seemed to look beyond her, through her, playing his part in the reunion neither wanted.

With agonizing slowness, she took his hand. The bond flared between them, muted but present, even after all this time. He dropped her hand in shock. Nardelee, being a Rexian and his lover, noticed immediately. 

"Did it work,  _J'ty_?" Neither Rey nor Ren spoke for a moment, each fighting the flaring of the bond in their heads. He took a moment to breath and stuttered out a confirmation as best he could. The bond continued to hum quietly.

Nardelee saw through it. " _Nodu_ Rey, I must insist that you stay with us and continue your healing. His color is much improved, but he is still unwell." Rey stuttered a response, trying her best to resist. But the woman with mercurial eyes and fierce heart brokered no room for dissent on the matter. 

The princess summoned Unjo from his perch in the corner and began a rapid-fire conversation in their dialect. It was clear to Rey, muted in her shock, that plans were being made. She closed her eyes, willing the swell in the back of her mind to stop. One touch and the spark had ignited, what would happen if they continued to be around each other. Would their force conversations begin again as they had all those years ago? Panic crawled at her throat and she felt echos of anxiety from the man across from her. It appeared even after three years, their thoughts remained synced. 

Unjo's light touch at her elbow brought her back to the present. She craned up to see him bent almost in two to reach her. 

"I said, you may follow me to your chambers. This way please." Ray nodded woodenly and followed him without another glance. 

 

The Force continued to whisper as it pulled taut behind her.  

 

__________________________________________________

 

It felt as though his chest was being squeezed shut. He couldn't tell if it was the Force as they stretched further from each other through the palace, or if it was just human anxiety flaring to life. Though he pushed himself to rebuild the mental walls torn in a single moment, he knew that the Force would not be so easily controlled after bursting to life. Three years and a galaxy wasn't enough. How would a few measly walls, mental and physical, be enough? 

He opened his eyes to see Nardelee's thoughtful consideration. She remained in her seat but wordlessly beckoned him. He repressed the sigh that threatened to rip from his soul as he joined her on the settee. 

"You do not like this." He hummed in response. She continued her observation, the beginning of worry tinging her lavender gaze. 

"I want you well," she continued.  _I_ need _you well_  he heard. He placed his hand on hers and projected what reassurance he could. He felt her emotions flow into him, a drop compared to his bond with Rey. 

Ren, the man who was loved by the woman before him, taken in with compassion and concern, who was loved by a woman of immeasurable strength and dignity, warmed at the obvious love that wove between their connected hands. He dropped a kiss on her forehead and her eyes took on the glow of a woman in love. 

Ben got up and left the room, the first whispers of guilt curling around his heart.

 

After their evening meal he told Nardelee he wasn’t feeling well. The tenderness in her eyes almost soured his resolve. She squeezed his hand, letting him feel her concern and love before shoeing him to his quarters.

Stretched out across the floor of his meditation room, he stared blankly at the ceiling. His mind tumbled with a multitude of thoughts, the past and present fighting for dominance. He refused to go back to that night, but he felt himself drift there all the same. With determination he began adding mortar to the mental walls he had constructed between them.

Three years of silence and suddenly she burst forth into his life again. Her energy was still the same and she still had a light to her that drew him in. He cursed how easy it would be to fall into the mess of their love once again. He knew the danger, but still his heart edged closer to the precipice.

_It’s not love, just familiarity_. His thoughts were bolstered by a glance at the royal crest edging through the painted ceiling. Nardelee, upon declaring him a permanent part of her royal council, had ensured that the meditation room was cleared of any other décor. They had stripped all furniture from the former sitting room and painted the room the neutral grey he had requested. But hints of the chamber’s past would catch his eye in moments like this.

Nardelee believed in him and had given his heart refuge after he escaped the past. Though he made the others on the council uneasy, the Princess trusted him, believing the Force-user (he refused any other title after all he and Rey had fought for) could bring a new perspective. It didn’t take an empath to sense her emotions for him long after. She never pushed and was patient in her compassion for him. Though his heart still smarted and stung, in the warmth of all that was Nardelee, he had grown to reciprocate the care, in his own way. The passion and innate understanding he had felt with Rey had melted into arguments and hurt. Always hurt. With Nardelee he didn’t need to guard what was left of his heart, for she had enough for them both.

They had never talked about Rey. And he doubted they ever would. She had divined the chasm of his pain but never mentioned it. She allowed him to lock it away and approach her as a new man. As Ren.

He let out another sigh and rose to leave.  _Acceptance for who I am. That is love. She is love_. He turned his thoughts to the woman, leaving his heart in the room behind him.

 

\---------------------------------------------

Rey wasn't above avoidance. Especially when it came to Ben. She took her evening meal in her room, feigning sick, but just barely. The ever-present headache had returned and she was distractingly aware of Ben’s—Ren’s—space in her mind. The bond was always there, but she had ignored it across the galaxy. On the same planet and in the same palace, proved it more difficult to disregard.

She could almost feel him strengthening the mental walls between them in response to the afternoon. She would be wise to do the same. But somehow, the familiar shape of his thoughts, hidden though they were, brought her a feeling of home.

Wrapping herself in the softest blanket she had ever felt, she sat on the edge of the large window, open to the night. The sky’s inky stillness cloaked the garden below her. Anyone could be happy here. The island, where they had blissfully hid after the war was nothing compared to the serene beauty that seemed to exude from the planet itself. And each of its inhabitants. A flair of envy welled in her heart as she thought of the Princess’ cat-like grace in the moments they had met. She was incredible and seemed to genuinely love Ben. Envy danced closer to the dark whispering thoughts against the woman with the glowing eyes and Ben's heart. She breathed deeply, focusing on the balanced peace of the night. He was happy here. Or at least he seemed it, before she had ambushed him.

A shiver ran through her, and she pulled the deep blue fabric around her shoulders a little tighter. She could handle cold better than her sorrow. The blanket was no match for her reverie. Three years swirled through her mind as she blinked back the emotion filling her eyes. Seeing him for a few minutes may have made her heart sing of home, but the pain she felt from him wasn’t worth the anguish that now clouded her every thought. Rey admonished herself--she shouldn’t even be feeling anguish. Not after everything she had done.

Her thoughts spiraled. She was the one who did this. It was her fault. She drove him here to this beauty and paradise and Princess. Everything was so wrong.  _Perhaps she should just leave_. The buzzing seemed to strengthen at the thought and she gripped the blanket with a gasp. The storm of pity and disparagement forgotten, she breathed deeply through the pain. She couldn’t leave, she needed to stay and help. And sleep. She needed sleep. The thoughts echoed with a conviction she wasn’t sure she felt.

A glance at the bed across the suite tempted her from her perch at the window. She curled the luxury around herself before drifting off into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading so far! Now that we have some of the angst out of the way, let's find out what our heroes are up against. It's more than just headaches and heartaches.


	5. Force Flowers

Rey awoke to find an unending supply of clothing in the closet. She had dreaded having to roam the halls in the same clothes again, fighting what already made her feel inadequate. But as she swam in the complicated dress she had grabbed, she was beginning to feel that her own clothes, lined with sweat and dirt as they were, would still be better. At least in those she was comfortable.

A soft knock interrupted the silence and a woman slipped into the room.

“ _Nodu_ Rey. I am Ehya. I am here to assist you with your stay.” The woman’s dark hair was pulled back into intricate braids that Rey was already dying to ask about. Instead she held up ribbons of fabric from the dress and gestured helplessly.

“Good, because I need a lot of help. Ehya was a miracle worker, deftly pulling the ribbons around Rey’s body in a complicated style she would have never seen on her own. The woman was a head taller, but kept her gaze lowered from the great  _Nodu_.

With a shyness she rarely felt, Rey asked Ehya to style her hair as well. The woman slowly came out of her shell as she worked through the strands, leaving Rey feeling more relaxed. She felt seen. It was different than in the bar the day before. Ehya, now over initial deference, treated her as a person instead of the god-like creature people awed and feared in equal measure. She hadn’t realized how much she craved this simplicity.

Each time the woman’s hands brushed her scalp, she felt small waves of happiness and satisfaction across her skin. This way of understanding was so different from what Rey felt through the Force. She loved the softness of the emotions that the Rexians seemed to project.

“Can you feel me too?” Rey broke the quiet calm.

“Some.” the woman hummed, as concise as ever. “But it feels different.”

At the raised eyebrow of her charge, she continued.

“We do not dwell on the conflict of emotions. We are blessed with focus in our souls. Human are emotional, volatile in the mixture in their hearts. It's never just one feeling. But their emotions are quiet to us, an impression instead of a clear picture. You are stronger.”

When the woman stepped back, her eyes—a lovely honey-dew color, bright with what Rey now knew was excitement—met the Jedi’s in the mirror.

“You have more; a deep ocean instead of a shallow stream.”

Rey turned to the woman, a few more questions on her mind. But it seemed that her face said it all.

Ehya spoke as the woman in front of her struggled to not offend. “We cannot control the emotions of those with whom we connect. But we can project what they need. Calm in times of anger; comfort in times of sorrow. That is our calling. Balance and Peace.”

Rey felt satisfied, understanding her hosts more than she had. Perhaps this is why Ben had chosen this place. They could keep Kylo at bay and he could just be himself. Or rather, Ren. It seemed that she had shattered more than just a heart that day.

 With a final adjustment to the complicated garment, and the addition of slippers that Rey swore were made of gemstones, Ehya ushered her out the door and across the palace. She was to join everyone at breakfast. Rey couldn’t help the drop of fear that spread across her chest. She considered asking the woman to show off her innate skills but shook it away when her heart gave a pleasant leap instead.

Chewie, Nardelee, and Ren sat around a table in a casual chamber of the Princess’ wing of the palace. Sunlight filtered through a large window that framed the space just so. Framed him. She paused by a column and watched for a moment. His hair, still long as usual, fell across his face as he talked at length with his guest and old friend. After the war, Ben and Chewie had taken to long talks and a tentative truce. Love and forgiveness won between them.

A hand touched his arm and he leaned in automatically. The golden woman sat to his right, a lavender gown stylishly cut to emphasize the power of her position. She leaned in conspiratorially, whispering something to her beloved while her food cooled in front of her. He let out a smile and Rey was certain a saber’s blade would have been less painful. She knew that smile. He would try to hide it behind a smirk, but the soft lift of his lips always gave him away. He was happy. She made him happy. 

His mouth tightened and he froze briefly as motes of Rey's emotions flowed between them. Even steel wasn’t enough. He looked up and she switched her gaze to the princess before she rounded her hiding place.

 Taking a seat next to the Wookie, she joined the conversation with as much excitement as she could exude. Avoiding his gaze was easy when he was doing the same. However, the pinch between his eyebrows never quite smoothed. When she let out a ringing laugh at a minimally entertaining jest from Chewie, her co-pilot gave her a concerned look. Her discomfort was hard to hide. It was mirrored across the table in the silence.

“ _Nodu_ Rey. I have cleared the gardens for you this afternoon. You and Ren will work there to begin his healing. You will not be disturbed.”

The command was clear in the Princess' voice, though said kindly and with hope. Neither of the force-users could protest and she looked pleased when neither tried. She curled her long fingers around her partner’s strong hands and his face released the pained expression he had been wearing throughout breakfast. He glanced at her gratefully and she tried a smile. It looked odd on the face of someone so unusually calm (and someone with teeth like daggers), but Rey could see that she was trying. The Princess turned to her again, all business. 

“You have met Ehya for your personal tasks. Unjo will be here to assist you with anything else you need.” The man slipped out of a shadowed corner with a bow and his standard eloquent speech. He was good for her ego, but she had never been one for raptures or soliloquy.

She couldn’t help the look she sent to Ben during Unjo’s monologue. He was smirking again, silently teasing her. A laugh threatened in her throat, and her eyes burned with how good it felt to finally, truly, see him. The tension returned to his frame as he seemed to remember where they were. The smile splitting her face dropped back as she looked down at her plate. All composure, she looked up and retained a polite smile, thanking Unjo for his help.

She begged off with complaints about the headache that had returned. The buzzing had dulled throughout the morning but returned with a vengeance. At least she would have a break before facing Ben alone.

___________________________________________

 

 By the time Unjo came to fetch her, she had replaced her gown from the morning with a silken robe over her own clothes. Ehya, the blessing that she was, had immediately washed Rey’s clothes after she had left that morning. If Rey was going to do this, she was going to be herself.

The slow in Unjo’s canter broke her reverie and she looked up to find a figure in a similar grey silk waiting on the veranda. Unjo all but melted away from them as she took steps towards the man regarding her coolly.  

“Shall we?” He held out an arm in civility, but she walked ahead of him down the tree-lined path. Nothing good came from touching him. Except that everything did--she clamped down hard on that thought.

At the path's first fork, she stopped and let him catch up. The tension lay as thick as the bond between them. But she could not find any words. She was no empath, but his thoughtful stare at the ground seemed to indicate the same for him.

“What, uh, what’s wrong with you then?” Her right side brushed the hedges as she avoided his broad frame walking next to her. He led them to the left with no destination in mind.

“Nardelee seems to think that I’m sick. I’ve had this headache for a while now. She can tell it’s something with the force.”

Rey paused in her shock.

“She’s force-sensitive?” Her thoughts lit up momentarily at the possibility before they soured just as fast. She wondered if the bond between his  _J’ty_  was as strong as theirs had been.

“No, you would have noticed. But as an empath she can sense where pain is coming from. Rexians are most often healers on other planets.”

“And there’s no one here who can help you out, oh great  _Nondar_?” She couldn’t resist the slight smile as he rolled his eyes at the title. It felt natural to tease him like this. He’d been a Jedi, a Knight, A Master, a Supreme Leader, a Turncoat, and a Rebel. He’d never been fond of titles.

His lips retained their thin line and he murmured, “That’s why you’re here.” The roughness of his voice was weighted with some of the pain he seemed to still carry. But he took a large breath and turned to face her across the path.

“So what are we supposed to do, oh wise healer?” A smirk danced across his features and it broke the tension between them. Maybe they’d never talk about it. But it seemed that he was extending what peace he could. Kill the past he had once said. Maybe they could do that once again.

“I don’t suppose a lightsaber across the face would help?” he shook his head with a smirk at her snark and they continued on.

The force hummed happily as the barest traces of hurt washed away.

____________________________________________

Ren hadn’t realized how much he had missed this. The push and pull between them was like shifting sands as they danced to keep up with one another. Nardelee was all compassion and care and soft gazes. Rey had been passion, anger, and a ferocity in all things that couldn’t be matched. Their reunion was less painful than he had expected.

He was deeply aware of what he was locking away in his heart to get through the garden with her. But when he stopped to consider her as they reached the center of the garden, to his private meditation space, the stabbing of his heart felt like a mere graze. She would be gone in a few days’ time and he could move on.

Her joy was palpable through the bond, even as they remained separated across the Force. It curled around him with a glowing warmth. He felt like he would never be cold again.

“Ben, this is amazing! I can’t believe you did this!”

“Nardelee was very generous in making sure that I had space to remain balanced.” She turned away in observation and the warmth began to slip away at the mention of his Princess.

She continued her study of an unremarkable tree across the clearing. “So are you guys married or something?” She said it so casually, but fingers drummed her left palm, a nervous gesture he hadn’t forgotten. The right brushed over the meditation stone in front of her with contemplation.

“No. I’m just a royal advisor.” Rey glanced over her shoulder with an arched brow at the half-truth.

“And her _J’ty_.”  

He colored slightly as he confirmed this fact. She nodded and continued her winding walk around the meditation space. Ben asked about Finn and Rose and she smiled broadly while telling tales about the ever-growing family now settled on Takodona.  

“Paige, uh, still wants Uncle Ben to teach her how you made the flower petals float that time.” Rey didn’t know why she had brought it up, but it was one of her happiest memories. His soft interactions with the eldest of Finn’s four daughters had been her realization that life goes on after war. That the losses of Poe, Leia and countless others were balanced ever so slightly by moments of flower petals and the wonder of a child. That their life could be like this someday. She turned to smell a fire-red bloom to hide the welling in her eyes.

“She’s probably too old for that now—oh my Gods, WHAT DID YOU DO?” His voice had gone up in panic as Rey turned with a screech.

She began clawing at her face fruitlessly as the orange pollen’s sting became a burn across her face. He grabbed her sleeve and sped her quickly around a corner to a small pond meant for peace and reflection. Instead it brought sweet relief as he plunged Rey’s hands into the shallow pool.

Her yells had quieted to whimpers as she cupped hand after hand of water across her stinging face.   
The pollen gone, she turned bloodshot eyes to the man next to her.

“What the kriff was that?” she croaked. She followed this with a violent sneeze and set to scrubbing again.

 “That was _Bar’ji_ ,” he told her when it seemed she would survive. He let out a breath of pent up concern and translated. “It means Force Flower.”

She stared at him before heaving a laugh, pain forgotten. She fell from her knees to the ground, laughter bubbling out of her with abandon. He felt shades of it across the bond, wrapping the vault in more of her signature warmth. His quirked lips split as he finally joined her.

Kriff, it felt good to laugh.  

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought we needed something more light-hearted for a bit! If you liked it, let me know! More to come soon!


	6. Time to Wake Up.

She dreams of Ahch-To. The familiar crash of the waves brought her a quiet peace. Porgs called out along the path as someone grew steadily closer, but she remained in her position at the edge of the cliff. He sat down next to her and silently regarded the ocean with her. They’d done this so often during their respite after the war and her heart ached with the knowledge that it would end. Her fingers snaked between his with a gentle squeeze.

Memory filtered through the sunlight warming them. The island of her dream was built upon the love they shared in this place. It flowed between them freely in this space, though they had not yet faced each other. She knew he was just a figment, but the Ben of her memory seemed more real than the Ren she had encountered in the garden. They continued to gaze solemnly at the water below— they were deep like the ocean Ehya had said. She never wanted to leave this dream. This place.

“You could stay.” His visage said. The voice was impossibly low. “You could stay here and not choose to leave me.”

 “I can’t.” The words felt automatic on her tongue, spilling without her control. “I’m not allowed to stay.”

The sky darkened along the horizon, the ocean growing restless with her admission. She felt a shiver tickle up her spine with a knowledge somehow outside of her grasp.

He pulled her to his side, lips pressing the top of her head as he had done so often in real life. The warmth had fled and angry droplets of rain bit into her skin. She tugged Ben closer to her, struggling for the calm she had felt before. Before it had come.

She jumped back with a shock, looking at the man next to her. He stared unseeing at the ocean but let out an ominous warning.

“It’s time to wake up, Rey.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Sleep was impossible after her nightmare, so Rey donned her shoes and saber for a walk in the gardens. The weapon wasn’t needed here, but she couldn’t quite convince herself after the dream she had felt. The ache blooming in her head was a familiar friend but her awareness centered on the part of her she knew contained the bond with Ben. She gave it a small tug. Nothing out of their new ordinary—cool steel and cracks of emotion.

She and Ben— _Ren_ , she reminded herself—seemed to have reached a neutral after their walk through the gardens and the hell that was the Force Flower. A smile quirked her lips at the memory of his booming laugh. She was certain that nothing would be better than that laugh after three years of cold silence.

They had returned to dinner and an anxious Novelee. She placed a hand over Ren’s scar and positively sparkled at the change she felt in him. Rey looked studiously at her fried  _Binape_. Even with jealousy whispering to her, Rey found it hard to dislike the Princess. She was everything the force-user would have imagined for Royalty—commanding, thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. Her face remained the Rexian neutral, but her passion and concern for  _everyone_  shone through in her stories of the day’s negotiations with the Kadasian Empire.

Rey left dinner understanding why Ren was so turned by the elegant leader to his left. The sting was less bitter than she anticipated.

The garden retained the comforting heat of the day as Rey wandered across the stone paths. It still did not warm the cold sweeping across her with the remnants of the dream.  She held her saber tighter, thumb lingering over one of the duel openings she had constructed after they had snapped Anakin’s on the Supremacy. It had taken months of work, and Ben’s help before she was able to feel the comforting whine and lavender light shoot out of the two ends. She had wielded the staff ferociously at the end of the war, inflicting pain and justice in equal measure.

Teetering dangerously close to those dark thoughts, she moved closer to the meditation space they had inspected earlier. If she couldn’t sleep, perhaps meditation would help her find the balance that seemed so precariously elusive.

The shift of steps across the soft grass brought her from her distraction and her saber ignited in reflex. The squeak of Unjo’s fear skittered through the air while wide eyes reflected the purple blade that had stopped next to his shoulder.

“ _Nodu_  Rey. I did not mean to startle you.” Despite the quake of his voice, the man was fiercely apologetic as she powered down the saber with regret.

“I am so sorry, I just didn’t think I’d find anyone else out here.”

His eyes had softened to a metallic gilt, deeper stretches of tawny easing in as he relaxed.

“I could say the same about you.”

Rey gave a hollow laugh and an excuse about a bed too soft. He offered to escort her back to her quarters and she couldn’t find a reason to refuse. Remnants of her dream still pounded against her chest as she took he proffered arm.

Fear tapped against her temples but she brushed it away.

They walked along the curling path in a silence, recovering from their anxious meeting. 

"Tell me what is on your mind,  _Nodu_." 

"It's just a bad dream," she replied with more calm than she felt.  

"I think it is more than that." 

Rey felt a welling of affection for the man who clearly cared. His concern for her moved softly across her skin. She found herself confiding in him, a relief filling her from nowhere. He listened attentively as she poured out feelings she didn't realize she had been grasping. When the topic turned to Ben however, her mind rebelled. The flicker of fear passed through her once more. Awareness prickled. Waves of calm pushed into her mind more insistently and whispered for her to continue.  She pulled her hand back from the man next to her but her tongue was compelled. 

"Ren seems to be happy here and I guess I just don't want to ruin it. I keep thinking that I should---" a cry fractured her sentence as pain seized her mind. Unjo seemed panicked and sent waves of calm and ease into her mind. As she glanced at his face, her focus was torn to the balcony beyond. 

The Princess, her gaze ever calm, turned away from them. Her absence eased the pain that had flooded Rey's mind, replacing it with a new, cold dread. 


	7. Three Lost Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning...this is an angst-fest. My bad. But we're setting up for more action in the next chapter. 
> 
> If you like the story, let me know! Every writer loves to hear from their readers!

She was lying to him.

 

He could feel the anxiety shed between them, but she maintained her bright smile. Her quick dismissal of his idea to walk through the gardens was enough to turn his curiosity. Four years on their windswept paradise had left him with an intimate knowledge of each line of her face or crinkle of emotion. She seemed to have forgotten that along with him.

The darkest parts of him stirred, incensed by her proximity and blatant falsehoods. Kylo blinked back for a moment, suggesting a sparing match. Hurt for hurt. It was only right.

But Ren breathed deeply and proposed a visit to the bustling city below the slope of palace. Her excitement was nearly as vivid as the red of the robe she had donned. After years of the same dusty view, alien worlds would never cease to excite her.

So it was Ben who softened with a warm sigh as she nearly leapt from the shuttle as it landed at the center of the city. Ren followed her at a distance.  

“I know you live here, but have you  _seen_  the market? I can’t believe how many vendors there are! And all in one building! It’s such a huge building! Have you visited them all?”

She didn’t wait for him to answer any of her questions, joy trailing from her as she wove through the third level of the  _J’Ryp_. Beings from the surrounding systems came for this same building, a large, domed oval, fifteen stories high and carrying anything one could dream.

They continued to wind upward along the smooth, sloped path outlined by shops and a large central courtyard every five floors. She dazzled with delight at almost every store. Showing off something new, most exquisitely benign. She had no eye for gemstones, but a small rock the color of the trees on Rodia had her pulling her credits without pause. That was her though—always picking the things most looked over. Himself included. He smiled ruefully as she dashed ahead of him, a bold yellow cloth two stores over catching her eye.

His discomfort was magnified in the large crowd as surreptitious glances at their finery became more bold. Though his Rexian was not good, he could sense the meaning behind the low, whispered hisses.

“What are they saying?”

Rey continued to finger the cloth she held, studying its detailed design. She was so casual in speech, but her shoulders were tense. The amount of emotion that she showed was almost shocking to him after two years of Nova Rex’s inherently passive displays.

He demurred with a study of a bag on the opposite wall but her soft voice grabbed him.

“Ben.”  

The world swayed under him at his name on her lips. Three lost years pulled the air between them and he struggled not to react. She had no right to sound like she cared about him, about what others said in hushed tones. No right for one syllable to pull the tsunami of emotion from him once again.

He turned, intent on changing the subject. But the look on her face stopped him short. He’d seen that look every night for three years. His mind’s eye was nothing compared to the genuine thing.

The compassion pooling in her gaze caused his eyes to sting. Something like love hesitated around the edges, but his heart caught it. He basked in it like a dying man reaching an oasis. But it was a mirage. Three years lay open between them, and he couldn’t forget.

She was lying to him again.

“Let’s go.”

He walked away without waiting for her to follow.

The ride back to the palace was quiet, but her mind was turning. He had closed off so quickly at the market. Time had slowed in that moment between them. In her excitement about the vast space, she had missed the dread leaking from his side of the bond. It flared to life as the whispered language around them reached a crescendo. The scorched emotions raced directly to her heart. Three years didn’t mean she wanted his pain.  

Her eyes slid to the stoic man beside her. Every indication of emotion was walled off. He looked like a Rexian and her heart gave a sharp pang. This was not Ben. How could she have forgotten?

A hydraulic hiss accompanied the lurch of the shuttle’s landing. Her companion stood without pause or gaze. The set of his jaw gave away his human origins.

“Ren, wait. I’m sorry.”

He stopped but did not turn. “Do you even know what you are apologizing for?”

At her silent pause, he walked on. Three years stretched farther than she’d known.

\----------------------------------------------------

The evening meal was a quiet affair, both force-users silent in their stubborn contemplation. Nardelee valiantly tried to buoy the experience, a continued monologue of the happenings around the city. At news of another Kadasian attack, Rey looked up. The royal waived it off as a zealot, someone mad about the continued negotiation between the planets over resources on a third.

“It’s really nothing for you to concern yourself with,” the woman reassured. Her eyes sparked at Rey’s questions as she continued, “It’s nothing but politics. You have such a more pressing matter with Ren.”

Rey held her breath as she felt a pressure build around her. Her defenses rose throughout her mind, pushing back against the shiver of suggestion attempting to sink into her brain. Her instincts strained against the subtle assault.

“Nothing to concern myself with. You’re right.”

The Princess, in her satisfaction, missed the narrowed eyes of her  _J’ty_.  

“Speaking of, Ren and I didn’t get as much progress as I had hoped today. May I steal him for an hour longer this evening?” She tried to match the Princess’ peaceful countenance with an obliging smile.

“Oh yes, of course. Though not too long I hope. I have my own uses for him.” Rey’s expression froze in her discomfort as the Princess gave her a decidedly un-Rexian wink. The tabled jolted as Ren jumped in shock. Rey didn’t have to look at him to know the blaze that would be painting his cheeks.  

“Of course. I would never keep him from you.”

\-------------------------------------

He’d tried to question her when they entered the garden but she had shushed him gracelessly and stalked ahead. He was left to follow behind as she took aimless turns. Her frustrated growl stopped him.

“Where is your stupid meditation rock?”

He couldn’t help the huff of a laugh that reverberated in his chest. He passed her easily and took the lead to the familiar location. Sitting upon the large stone he motioned for her to sit, but she ignored him, walking the edge of the large space.

“How much do you know about the Princess?”

His eyebrows rose but he remained quiet. She wasn’t finished. Rey, the fire of her restlessness burning bright, couldn’t seem to find the words and gestured for him to answer.

“She is an exceptional leader and loved by her people. I’ve been her advisor for almost two years.”

 “Okay, but how well do you  _know_  her?”

“Well enough. Seriously Rey, what’s this about?”

Agitation pushed her fast steps in a iterative arch in front of the stone where he sat. She was never one to stay still. The staccato of her thoughts pulsed through her drumming fingers.

She turned to him with a serious gaze.

“I felt something. In there. Is she force-sensitive?” A scoff tickled his throat as it died at the look on her face. She was so serious.

“You would have felt it, you know that. You can feel each of those kids you’ve found across the galaxy. _I_ would have felt it by now. ”

“Yes, she made sure we were all aware of _just how_ you feel her.”

He felt the familiar rage begin to roll through his tense shoulders. It whispered at him and he clenched his hands tightly to hold it at bay.

“What are you really accusing the princess of Rey?” Rankling at her words, he dug his heels into the well-worn path of argument. He latched onto a realization with a triumphant smirk, “because from where I’m standing, the only thing she’s done is make you jealous.”  

She scoffed loudly (and in truth, a little hurtfully) before volleying back a dismissal. They argued, the air charging around them. She told him he was being used and he laughed bitterly in reply.

“I’m happy here, finally, and you can’t let me have that. You have to push, you have to find a flaw so you can come in and save the day. You did it with the Rebellion; you did it with me. Hell, you did it with Chewie—making him stay with you on the Falcon, even though it isn’t yours.”

Kylo threw the pain of the lost years at her without pause, clawing at wounds he knew still existed. Rey’s look could kill a lesser man, but he had been here before. The precipice as they hurdled toward a fatal blow. He felt it coming but couldn’t pull back.

“You never stop. Ever.” Her inability to give up on things is what made Rey, well, Rey. What he used to love, he now spat vitriolically across the yards between them.

“And you never agree to be someone’s plaything.” She snapped. Kylo pushed forward, unrestrained as Ren stood in indignation.

“Wasn’t that what I was to you at the end?”

Kylo twisted his face into a smirk until a wave of her dark fury rolled over him, knocking him back onto his stone seat. Kylo’s darkness roared, pulsing around him waiting to be unleashed. Ren clenched his fists as he felt the pressure of the space release. Her sudden display had pulled back—the darkness gathering behind the balance for which she desperately clamored. Tendrils of power twisted between them as each fought for control over old demons. It was an intoxicating combination and he was an addict waiting for another fix.

Another ripple of power moved the air as she took a shuddering breath. Her face softened from fury to an unreadable expression in a blink. The wet sheen painting her eyes the only indication of the despair that had flashed through them a breath before. His darkness was forgotten.

“That’s unfair and you know it.”

He took a chance. His mind caressed hers, bumping against it with a longed-for familiarity. She remained muted against him, but he saw her sway at the feeling.

“What’s this about, Rey?” Softer, quieter. Her apprehension swelled clearly against him, and her eyes widened.  

“Something is happening Ben, and I don’t--,” she caught the sob in her throat, but continued, “I don’t think you’re safe.”

He walked closer, the bond no longer enough. A shiver rolled through her and he felt Ben’s long dormant approval. When had he become so many people within his own mind?

His hand reached for her, an echo of the past.

Ren managed to touch the crimson silk before she fled, echoes reverberating in his heart once more.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Three long years, but the bond hadn’t forgotten either. She feels the familiar swell of pressure and squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe this wasn’t real.

“Well we haven’t done this in a while.”

She finally looks over at him from her perch on the window.

He’s clearly reclined in his own bed, sheets pooling around his waist. He’s softened in the seven years since she had first seen the scars and muscles that moved his body through the bond, but it still takes her heart just as long to untangle her tongue at the sight.

He sits up further, gathering a blanket around his lower body and swings his legs over the side. He glances next to him, an empty space in her room, but where Rey knows a Princess truly lays. Her darkness lashes envy at her heart.

She returns her gaze to the sky above her and waits.

“We haven’t done one of these ‘I’m not talking to you even though we are kind of in the same room,’ things since after the Supremacy. If I remember clearly, it’s because you were being a stubborn pain in the ass back then too.”

Her eyes send daggers when she looks his way. In the silent minutes before, he had donned a pair of sleep pants on his side of the bond. He kept his torso uncovered, impish amusement lifting the corner of his mouth at her expression. She had forgotten how easily he could bait her.

The annoyance melts from her face without a reply. He’s left with a look that mixes dangerously in his gut. Resigned sorrow stays as she closes her eyes and turns from him again.

“I don’t want to do this. I can’t.”

“Yeah, me too.” A pang stutters though his chest when the hearkening from the past fails to turn her gaze.

“Then leave. Go back to your Princess.” The words are teased with a sting, but no heart behind them.  

“You aren’t allowed to be mad at me.” He says it quietly. A fact without the emotion launched in their garden assault. “You made the decision to move on and stop loving me. So did I.”

 

_I never stopped loving you._

 

Her voice burst into the back of his head and they each gasp as the bond fully reignites. He drinks in the emotions he had missed. It had been three years but he had never forgotten what it felt like to be loved by her. The floor moves dangerously close as the intensity grips him. Her love blinds his mind, filling spaces long bare, as strong as the day she left—stronger even still. Every molecule sings in victory. The sudden warmth that permeates his soul burns as she pulls back and he is left alone in his mind once more. He was at a feast and being told he couldn’t eat.

His eyes acclimate to the darkness of his own room, sliding to the princess who lay sleeping soundly in the bed beside him.

 

For the first time in three lost years, he cries.


End file.
